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Asexual, Aromantic, or both?

This might be a really long post, one that you might think TLDR. It’s a huge topic for me since I’m finally coming to terms with my sexuality and why I am the way I am. There are so many terms and labels going around, it can get confusing. I don’t like to use the word ‘label’ though. To me, it just helps me to explain my situation to people. I can’t change it. Just like a persons race can’t be changed.

So, I started out as identifying myself as Asexual. I mulled over this for months and in the last few weeks I have been reading up on it and other peoples experiences. The more I did, the more I felt like this was me. It was a refreshing realization. It was almost like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Don’t know what an asexual is? By definition it means, someone who does not experience sexual attraction. It’s not a choice, it is just the way we are. You can read more about on

Now, about aromantic. I just recently started to look into this. It was brought to my attention when I was speaking with someone. She asked me if maybe I was aromantic too. The reason was because of something I said to her. It was how I would be fine to be alone romantically. I was always looking for friendships but never anything romantic.

I never thought about this one because I figured it was part of my asexuality. I thought I pulled away from it because – to most people – that kind of thing leads to sex. Sex is something that almost repulses me. I get nothing out of it and even find myself completely bored during it. I never look at a person and think, I would do that. I’ve made the jokes. Certainly. When you live in a sex driven world you kind of feel the need to pretend just so people don’t find you weird.

I’ve heard the typical things from people such as, maybe you haven’t found the right person or he just didn’t know what he was doing. I’ve been called a frigid bitch, ice queen, a touch-me-not and many other things similar to that. Before I lost my virginity, people would tell me I just don’t know what I’m missing or that I was just prude and needed to give it a try. I was starting to get a complex about it. Making myself worry about why I was like that and if there was something wrong with me, mentally or even because of my chronic illness. I started to get to the point that talking about things with people was something I avoided just so I wouldn’t have to fake it. People were making me feel prude and very conservative when I really wasn’t.

My least favorite movies are romance and romance/comedy. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate them. It is obvious I do the whole fantasy of romance because of my fanfiction, but then again I’m not really into the fluff or cheesy stuff. However, real life to me is not like that. It’s not what I want. I just want a close friendship with someone. I would even marry someone out of a love of friendship and family rather than the feelings of romance or sexual desire. I would prefer that. So yes, just in case you were wondering, this would mean I’m open to both men and women.

That was another issues I had to think about for many years until I figured out I was asexual and possibly aromantic. I wondered if I was a lesbian. Since I never felt sexual desire for a man. However, as time went on, I noticed I never felt anything like that for a woman either.

This might confuse some people. Just because I don’t find people sexually attractive, it doesn’t mean I don’t find them attractive. I have my own taste in people and I can appreciate a person attractiveness. I mean, I have too to be able to love taking pictures of people, fashion and cosplay. They are my favorite things to take pictures of because people, to me, are fascinating. It is just, there is nothing sexual about it.

Right now I’m in a relationship. I won’t say much about it for his sake, but I feel really bad for him. I got involved with him before I really realized all this about myself. I’m doing my best to let him go easily, make it seem more like his idea. I don’t want him to get a complex about it because people who are not like this just don’t understand. They will think it was something they did or maybe I just don’t like them. It’s not the case. After this relationship I’m just going to take a breather and focus on me and go from there.

I have already discussed some of this with my family. My mother was the more understanding one so far. She was a little like – does not compute – at first but when I started to go into detail she agreed with me that it was me. We even talked a bit about how she was a bit like that as well and my grandmother is probably one as well. I was very happy that she didn’t shoot me down harshly. I was a little scared. I was shot down harshly from other people, then there were people who were just curious and asked me more questions – so even if they were skeptical they weren’t being rude or hurtful and I appreciated it. I’ve also had the people be outright understanding. I got some reactions from people that I never expected. Some I thought that would be understanding and turned out they were the worst about it, but then the opposite with other people.

I’ve only mentioned the asexual part to them though. I don’t want to hide the aromantic thing but I don’t feel the need to really bring it up as much to family. If they see this post then that is fine.

So, as to wrap this up, reading up on aces and demis is really helping me. I’m not alone in this, and it is normal. I’m not broken.

If you have questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. However, please just don’t be ugly or rude to me about it. If you don’t agree, you don’t agree. I’m not going to disappear and suddenly change because you don’t though.

P.S. Just to clarify, in case some people get the wrong idea, just because you are one doesn’t mean you are the other. Aromantic and Asexual is NOT the same thing. However, like me, you can be both.

Published inaromanticasexualFamily


  1. I think like you, I too grappled with my own sexuality and identity but I’m glad that we both can find out the labels that help us relate to more people like ourselves. People that need guidance finding out who they might be sexuality or not. It’s important to find these things to make our journey through life a little easier, you know? I consider myself pansexual 🙂
    Michelle recently posted..Where We Stand TogetherMy Profile

    • ongaku ongaku

      I’m glad you figured out yours too. It is always helpful as long as not too many people are cruel about it. However, I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not.

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